I guess I will talk about this a lot more. I appreciate my life so so much and I am never going to take it for granted. Supporting yourself means everything. It means picking yourself up when you have been kicked down. We are all human and make mistakes, we fall into toxic patterns easily, we get infected with a poor mindset by staying in a negative environment but we have the control. We must notice when this happens.
When was the last time you looked at the stars and saw how beautiful they are. When was the last time you took a deep breath in and looked at the wonders of the sky. Being in nature brings me a stillness like no other - of course it is natural that when your mind is not there then you are not really in nature, you have carried your vibrations and thoughts with you from the traumas. That is natural. That is fine. You can have those times. You are allowed to have that time.
You can appreciate your time and life when the time allows it. The bad times are temporary, like all things. It is important to reflect and have time to yourself to allow your thoughts to calm. It is also important for someone to have solitude to collect thoughts especially if in a negative environment. This is another lesson I have learnt and I thought I knew already and tried to do this by going for walks but a colleague would accompany me and I didn't get the space I needed for my brain to breathe. Solitude allows for creativity. It allows your brain to breathe. I was reading all the books and had read books about this but hadn't put the things I learnt into the practice needed. Instead I focused on the positive but didn't allow my brain to let the negative thoughts be there. You are not your thoughts! You are the observer or your thoughts! When you sit for a while or walk in solitude negative thoughts will pop up, do not push them away - they will get louder - observe them, allow them to appear and they will go like waves on the ocean. By pushing them away you are drawing your attention to them and draining your energy. Some of the books helped me to focus on the positive but it also undermined my own experience by thinking that 'it could be a lot worse' and that is a toxic way to be and also your feelings are your feelings and your experience is your experience.
A few year's ago I read Man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl, the book details life in a concentration camp and how people have incredible resilience and fortitude in circumstances that we can only imagine. It is even difficult to envisage what it was like and the utter despair experienced by those who were in the camps. The grief having lost their loved ones and yet seeing the same people walking through the camps offering pieces of bread to others and being compassionate. I read about these experiences in awe and I also thought to myself - wow, people go through so much worse, my experience is nothing in comparison. Again, comparing feelings and undermining my experience in order to suppress the bad thoughts that I was experiencing in the workplace! My mindset was skewed and toxic as a result. Yes, focus on the positive, but do not undermine your feelings or your own experience. Comparison is the thief of joy and it truly is especially when comparing traumas. Allow yourself to feel without figuring out the 'why'.