Alison McNamara
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Boundaries

1/4/2020

 
Boundaries - the definition of boundaries is to see what is okay and not okay. Being able to say yes to what makes you comfortable and no to what makes you not comfortable. I fall for people saying 'we are only concerned about you' when someone says they are concerned and I tell what's the matter. All of a sudden the news has circulated and I am now in a position where I have to defend my boundaries and it drains more energy. The person who I told in the first place had passed on the information to another and the other person had questioned me in front of more people. It is really uncomfortable. My vulnerability is now exposed and it can be humiliating depending on the personal details being circulated. 

What was once my private business and something that I was telling someone in private is no more and the trust is broken. Can I forgive the person? Yes, sure, it was my responsibility not to tell them in the first place but I gave in and did tell them! I don't know why, perhaps it's a way in which they kept on and on and on asking questions until I finally gave in or maybe it's the sense of connection that I felt at the time was strong enough. It was this sense of connection that we all crave. I have learnt from this and I know that it's important to practice boundaries to have healthy relationships. It is rooted in love and goodness for yourself and for them. 

Boundaries come under the realm of respect, not just for others but for yourself. It is taking into consideration what makes you feel uncomfortable and what is fine to talk about. When someone breaches your boundaries, it makes you uneasy, uncomfortable and sometimes it's a case of reacting in a compassionate way towards yourself and saying - right, I need to reestablish these again and not let that happen again. I have been fooled in the past with trusting my past colleagues when it came to boundaries and under the same realm of 'we are concerned' which is actually a way of getting information from you and spreading it into the drama filled workplace. This breaks trust, breaks walls and breaks relationships.

Lowering your boundaries when you are sick or exhausted is normal. You are vulnerable in these times. You are going through a time where your strength is under pressure and walls are down. People can unfortunately give into the feeling of someone else caring and allowing them to look after you. We all do it, we all go into this 'child mode' - it's natural. We want the connection to another human and meet them in a way that is empathic and authentic. Empathy without boundaries is not empathy so it is important to protect them. 

Be compassionate that your boundaries may fall when you are sick and they need to be protected even more then. Perhaps notice when this happens and become more aware when you are triggered. It all leads to healthier relationships and understanding and for those that do not respect your boundaries - were they ever really your friends to begin with if you can't trust them? We are all allowed to make mistakes, especially when we have so readily sought the guidance from others. We are always improving.

For me improving looks like this, it's accepting myself as I am, being grateful to be alive, knowing that I confident in my own skin, I am a beautiful person, I approve of myself, I love myself and I am a work in progress. I focus on becoming aware of my own thoughts, feelings and limits aka boundaries. What is uncomfortable, recognise why and what beliefs pop up. It's recognising these and having the courage to sit with them and still do things that bring up uncomfortable thoughts. It is not accepting things that are wrong for me and protecting my own boundaries. We cannot have a healthy relationship without practicing boundaries. 

Recognise that there are people that will always want something from you. They want your time, energy, money, control, reaction - anything. I used to think that I wouldn’t stoop to someone else’s level and not treat them with respect. It is now a case of me seeing respect for what it is and when someone else isn’t willing to give me the respect I deserve, I owe them nothing. That might seem harsh but if you think of life as a computer game and they are sending in bazooka full ammunition and you don't take out your defence mechanisms to fight then they will send in all they have and more until it has worn you down. With boundaries it is not your responsibility to accept the fault that someone has overstepped them, it is your responsibility to protect yours if they have been overstepped. In computer game terms, your health bar would deplete rapidly after boundaries are encroached, to keep it maintained you need to arm up, say no and defend or withdraw when necessary. It is acceptable to revoke access to you when they have overstepped your boundaries. It is a privilege to be in someone else's story and life. Who you share your story with in person is an honour. No one is automatically entitled to it, you get to decide that and that is part of the beauty of boundaries. You have the decision power of who you allow into your life and you decide who gets to engage with you in conversation, go on hiking trips, camping, who you live with, run with, go cycling with - do any activities at all. Over the last while I can describe different types of boundaries as the list below:

  • People who want your time and push you to spend time with them - anything forced is not genuine
  • People who need to convince, cajole and manipulate you - this is not an authentic relationship
  • People who want money from you for something that they are trying to convince into getting out of you - or those that complain so much that they want you to 'rescue them' - this happens especially online on development groups from my experience
  • People who want you to change - change job, change YouTube content, change anything, change your personality, change anything about you - this is conditional and can also be gas lighting if they are undermining your very being like saying 'you're too sensitive' etc This can shake your identity eventually so protection is needed to the fullest, step away from them, revoke access
  • People who want a solution to their problem and they keep telling you the problems over and over again - You have the right to say stop when you have listened enough times
  • People who put pressure on you for an answer or a solution and it’s time-dependent - time pressure can happen in any situation and can royal us up easily - oh we need to do this fast or by tomorrow - you are entitled to say no especially if it is laying unnecessary pressure on you and also if there is absolutely no need
  • People who want you to do things in their interest over yours - do not sacrifice yourself for others - you are entitled to say no and not be convinced
  • People who insult you to push your buttons because they want a reaction - you are entitled to say stop and give a consequence to this - refer to the paragraph above for offering too much respect when it is not given your way. This happens a lot with empathetic people as you put yourself in their shoes too much and understand that they are acting out of hurt and that is why they are doing it. If empathy is strong within you this is oftentimes harder said than done
  • People who drain you of your energy because they want you to act a certain way and act disappointed when you don’t - this is again conditional, manipulative and it is easy to fall into absorbing this in certain ways because everyone wants everyone to be happy usually! An empathetic person will also find this difficult but can be taught and done
  • People who want you to justify your actions so they feel better - there are people who will troll you when they know they are doing it only to wind you up. Stay away from these people. The ones that tell you that they have a wife/husband keeping tabs on them and don't see that the person who loves them wants to be part of their life, their story and loves them so much that they want to make sure they get home safe. They may only see it in the negative and not that the person who loves them wants them to be safe because they love them so much
  • People who guilt you into feeling bad so they also have the upper hand - the sympathisers not the empathisers - no sentence that starts with 'at least' is compassionate. These are the wrong people to share your truth with. Find the right people and do not settle for people that will not give you the compassion that you deserve
  • People who do not want you to do what you are doing because then you’d be following your dreams - there are a lot of people out there suffering, it is a fact of life. There are people that are frightened when they see someone else thriving as they couldn't imagine doing it themselves
  • People instilling fear in you with the outcome and those that are outcome focused usually have a fixation of trying to get to that outcome, they are scared themselves. If you are empathetic this fear could rub off, remember stress is contagious and so are colds! Same goes with fear, all fear is stress related 
  • People who want you to explain everything almost including your very existence - this is draining, it is not necessary to explain yourself to anyone. 
Sometimes your haters want you to succeed, because otherwise they have nothing to talk about. Your haters might also be unhappy in themselves because they see you as a threat or that you are enjoying the success that they desire. There are people that will want to put pressure on you for deadlines for answers or to manipulate their way into making you do something. When you are very empathetic you may tend to give them the benefit of the doubt or even allow them the respect by saying something like ‘I don’t want to do that because if I was in their position then I wouldn’t like that done to me’. The issue there is, you are not them. You need to protect your boundaries, they are yours, they are part of your ‘being’. There are three things that cannot be destroyed, love, being and awareness. With all of these three things you are equipped to notice when your boundaries are being intruded upon and there is no explanation needed. 

Be compassionate towards yourself and remember that fear blocks love. When you do not love yourself then you cannot protect yourself. Boundaries are an act of self-love. Negativity then flourishes where love has been excluded and we may find ourselves in what Dr. Brené Brown calls a shame spiral. Boundaries are necessary for healthy, loving, connected relationships. They are the foundation of deep and meaningful relationships and genuine connection and trust. If you envision life as a computer game, your health line would drop a lot without them. You could continue to fight but eventually your self-identity would die in the game. It is the same thing in real life with that analogy. 

For me practicing self-care and boundaries is figuring out what's important to me and how I do that is up to me. It's reading, listening and watching informative and inspiring research. It's also a case of trying different strategies, not only reading about them. One strategy that has come from research is the practicing of gratitude or recognising a shame spiral. We are need meaning - like tokenising in programming. Once we name what we are experiencing which could be a hard emotion like a shame spiral, it loosens its grip, it gives us power over them. I practice gratitude every morning by writing a few things that I am grateful for and it has also been proven in the research from Dr. Brenè Brown and Dr. Shawn Achor that it can make our lives more joyful - who would not want more joy in their live?! Of course, I try these things, I love trying new things. I also love a good podcast and I have already learnt so much from Dr. Brené Brown and she's doing a podcast. I have just subscribed. I would also highly recommend her Ted talk 'the power of vulnerability' , the Netflix show 'call to courage' and also her books braving the wilderness and lots more. This is the link to her website so you might like listening to her podcast on a run or walk. ​https://brenebrown.com/podcast/introducing-unlocking-us/ Finally, it is also revoking access to those who do not respect me for in essence, boundaries are about respect and when you respect yourself then you realise how peaceful your life is without giving access to people who do not respect your being, awareness or love of life.

You also start to laugh at the audacity of people across the world telling you what to do, when to do it and how to do it. I have laughed for an entire afternoon after some random guy told me to change my YouTube content and followed shortly by can we work together?! People sometimes like to push boundaries for fun, also remember this. It can be something that they have grown up with in the dynamics of their family and think it's funny. In that case, if it makes you uncomfortable, stay away from them and laugh. Whatever makes you uncomfortable is your compass for your boundaries. When it's off course, bring it back on course. We all make mistakes too so be compassionate with yourself if and when you let boundaries fall and allow someone in that you shouldn't have. It's a case of course correction like when flying an airplane from Ireland to the US and the pilot notices that it's gone off course, re-align yourself like the pilot in the airplane. It's that simple, we learn, we evolve and we grow.
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