If anyone has been lucky enough to meet their soulmate then they will know exactly the feeling that happens when you do. I met someone who loved similar interests to me, he enjoyed climbing, running, computers, programming, hiking and quietness. He came from 'the country' that in Irish terms would be described as a large town as he had neighbours and if you come from 'the country' at home it tends to be a house isolated from neighbours. I thought that was a funny difference here.
He looked into my eyes and it was as if my body and soul had lifted off the ground and the level of intensity was magnificent. I was elated. I kept smiling and when we kissed it was as if I felt my entire body lift up into the air and dance with his. It was as if the world had melted away around us and it was just us. It sounds really cliché, however, if you have felt this then you know what I mean! The eyes are the window to the soul and they really are. I felt like he had left fingerprints on my soul and it was his forever more. It's as if my body melted into the background. He left his unique imprint on mine and mine on his. Only identifiable by the electric intensity of looking deep into each other's souls and understanding each other on a level that can only be described as out of his world. Most people will never meet their soulmates, they will find someone in the same group, go to similar things and maybe go out a few times and stay together. They will not have this experience and I am incredibly lucky to have had such an experience in my lifetime. Soulmates can have a level of intensity of feelings like no other. They were drawn to each other like magnets. Intrigued by each other and interested in learning more. Wanting similar things and exploring the same passions. Wanting to cuddle each other and kiss all the time as if the connection was only meant for a short while and you appreciate every touch. Wanting to do things for each other and appreciating every essence of their being - cherish every moment. These experiences will shape you, the level of understanding between two souls is magical. You make a team that works well together. Encouraging the best for each other and pushing each other to overcome each other's fears to live your best lives separately as separate beings but together as a partnership. Two separate souls, two separate entities choosing to be together each and everyday to live this crazy, wild adventure that is life - together. It can only be described as magic. The sparks of joy that fill your heart makes both of your hearts intertwine, making your hearts sing the same songs to each other. George Ezra said it best in the song Paradise "If it feels like paradise running through your bloody veins, You know it's love heading your way" I am reading a book at the moment by Katherine Schwarzenegger about the Act of Forgiveness. It is a collection of short-stories from different people who have been through some trauma and experienced the need to forgive at some point in their lives. I have learnt a lot from this book and perhaps it is a timing issue to let go of the past and forgive yourself and others in order to live a more fulfilling life.
Some of the stories detailed kidnapping, car accidents, infidelity within a marriage, rapes and all kinds of trauma that people have endured. There is a common thread throughout and that is the fact that people are incredibly resilient and they look at the silver-lining (some are in fact incredibly grateful for the chain of events that happened as a result of the trauma). For instance, with the kidnapping (who had also raped her) it was a case of being relieved that she didn't know the kidnappers as most people knew their kidnappers so she could cut ties and move on. Forgiving them was a source of personal relief and something that she wanted to do for herself. She didn't need to contact her kidnappers again or relive the experience. She didn't just take it upon herself to forgive like someone does in a school yard when someone does something wrong the other person is supposed to say sorry immediately even if they don't mean it. That is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is deeply personal and it doesn't necessarily involve the other person! She choose to forgive and in some ways in some of the stories they always looked at the perpetrators as people who knew not what they did! Looking at some of the stories it also was a case of finding some hope within everything and looking at what I can distill down to empathy versus ego. Ego you hold onto the hurt - they hurt me, how could I forgive them, they did me wrong, they hurt me! This is somewhat self-righteous as if you and all humans cannot make mistakes. This doesn't see the other person's perspective - only your own. This is one-sided and holding onto the hurt makes the person carry it for a long time and build resentment and even bitterness towards the situation and person. The person who carries this will face the same lesson over and over and continue to face similar situations in different forms until they close their own wound. Empathy, on the other hand, is looking from the other person's perspective. It allows yourself to express compassion for the other person and let go of the judgement. We all make mistakes - whether you can see that empathetically or not is another story. This does not involve sympathy but rather empathy. You are not looking from a high point down on the person but actually feeling how the other person may have felt and putting yourself in their shoes. You can get a momentarily high from feeling sympathetic for people but that doesn't bring the resolve. It is still self-righteous and putting you on a different level to the other person. If you detach the act from the person as much as you can then look at the hurt and pain separately then it is looking at the situation itself and not the person as a whole. We can have a tendency of bundling up the pain and hurt and attaching to the specific person without isolating it from the person to see that they are, in fact, human. They might have been going through an incredibly challenging time in their lives, they may have been emotionally flooded etc. This does not excuse their behaviour but let's you slip into their shoes to see them from their perspective perhaps. I am not saying that giving the gift of forgiveness is an easy thing or am I saying that forgiving someone is a way for them to do it again when it is not. Forgiveness is a source of strength to be free from the source of bitterness and resentment and live your life without the wound. It is a case of trying to sew up your own wounds. That means that you have learnt the lessons from the hurt and pain and you will not let that happen again. It is also taking responsibility for your own part of carrying the hurt and pain. The chapter entitled "Deborah Copaken: Confronting the beast" wrote about the story of her rapist. She was raped by a man before her graduation. The man was incredibly drunk (that is not an excuse) and even left her his number afterwards. She was traumatised and carried this around with her for 30 years. She emailed him the time that Brett Kavanaugh was facing trial (this appeared on television screens and something triggered her more than thirty years after the ordeal to contact her rapist) and he rang her apologising. He thought it was mutual but it wasn't. She had a sense of forgiveness wash over her and came to this conclusion. "your life is either about forgiveness or it's not. You're either a person who decides to accept others, warts and all, or you're a person who has difficulties maintaining friendships". I don't know whether I could have the strength and courage to do what she did and forgive someone who has done her such wrong! It is instilled in me since a child the very essence of right and wrong - however - this again shows that I am measuring other people from my yard stick! This does not mean that other people have this sense - again - we are human and while this doesn't give him an excuse for his behaviour, did he actually know what he did was wrong or not, does that matter when it comes to forgiveness? The forgiveness is not for them but for us so the other person, ultimately, doesn't come into the equation. She is right regarding what she said above but forgiveness also involves forgiving yourself too. Forgiving yourself for the situation and not being hard on yourself for being at the wrong place at the wrong time or lashing out at people when you were not yourself. Abuse can come back around if the pain isn't felt and forgiveness isn't afforded. You need to watch 'I am a killer' on Netflix to realise this simple fact! Forgiveness is difficult. It is incredibly challenging but like Deborah said, you can either be a person to accept humans warts and all or not. That doesn't mean you invite the other person to do the same thing again - no! This also doesn't mean seeking an apology from the other person - this is only for you in order to sew the wound up that you are carrying and let go of the past without letting go of the lessons that have built your character from such an ordeal. People are resilient. People are also people and at the end we are all animals. We have instincts and as a result, this can often trigger survival mode, you can lash out or be cornered, or trapped too. Forgiveness is a source of freedom. You can free yourself. You can feel free, you can uplift others and live life without the sense of doom associated with the hurt and pain. You can see humans for what humans are, warts and all! You can be free to be you! This is not a prescription that we must forgive - it is deeply personal and we are all different. It is up to you and a decision that you make whether to forgive or not. For me I want to be free of the clutches of bitterness and hurt so I choose to forgive. I want a fulfilling life full of adventure and the times that I have held onto the hurt, it has only shown to hurt me too and my life. It is also about timing and some may need to go through the hurt to get to the forgiveness. Going through the hurt to get to forgiveness also means that in the messiness of being human, we can go through months of pain and hurt before we get out of being the victim and feeling hurt. It is akin to a physical would. If we think back to our cave ancestors going to a cave to sit by a fire and heal if they have been struck down, this happens too. You can do this. You are entitled to handle this in whatever way you want to in order to get through it and some choose to not forgive at all and carry it for the rest of their lives and that is their choice. It all takes time and time does not, in fact, heal all wounds! Working on yourself and your thoughts about these things brings you ease and forgiveness is one of the things that requires work each and everyday. This morning I woke up inspired to write about the story that I heard so often as a child. We would play tricks on each other and call out someone to come when there wasn't anything wrong just for fun. The boy who cried wolf is a similar tale. The boy lived in a village and would tell the farmers that their sheep were in danger. The farmers would go off into the mountains and herd their sheep back to safety. All the while the boy would laugh at how stupid the farmers were to go after he told them. One day the boy actually did see a wolf but this time none of the farmers went because they thought he was joking. He had told them too often about this danger and eventually the boy stopped believing them.
I had a lovely conference call last night and we all spoke about the swine flu (H1N1) and how we were all warned about the pandemic and how dangerous it was but it didn't reach us - any of us! In 2009, I was working in Baxter Healthcare as a programmer analyst writing programs for different entities across Europe, these were usually workflows within Baxter writing in Java using either Pega Systems or JavaScript for Sharepoint. I had learnt of the swine flu pandemic coming our way and at the time I knew several people with asthma. As far as I remember Baxter sold the vaccine to Glaxo-Smith Kline (GSK) and it all happened quite quickly without any real things to worry about. We carried on with our lives and the vaccine was distributed to pregnant women, the elderly and people at risk who already had respiratory diseases. The schools distributed these and doctors had GSK deliver them. The vaccines had to be ordered in some cases if they were 'live' vaccines and the GSK vaccine had mercury in it so the shelf-life was longer. I remember some of the details as I know a few people who had to receive the vaccine. The worry wasn't there though and people didn't seem to have to stop their lives! We are now in another pandemic except it is like the boy who cried wolf. A lot of people who lived through the swine flu pandemic didn't take this time too seriously. We are now faced with real danger as the countries shut down to protect the people at risk and hospitals are overrun with large numbers of people facing real issues breathing and some are facing organ failure. Unfortunately for some it seems they are still not taking this issue seriously and it is something to be taken seriously especially when you hear of so many in their thousands dying in Italy and hundreds dying on a daily basis only from Italy alone! We are now faced with staying at home, social distancing and the world has changed all because of a pneumonia that started with one person initially. The numbers are staggering and unfortunately the virus is more persistent on surfaces than any other. The alcohol rub-downs won't do it, it's a case of washing hands thoroughly and not touching your face or if possible wearing gloves and staying away from other people. It is a time to try to find some balance in our newly constructed world and all of a sudden we find ourselves checking in on people that we hadn't spoken to in a while to ensure that they are healthy and safe. We are in a way more connected and people are making more of an effort for online-chats than ever before as we sit down with groups of people on conference call software to find out the situation in their country and encourage each other that it will all be fine. If Anne Frank can last as long as she did in a tiny area then we are fine. It is a different time, we can still go to the shops, enjoy the sunshine, talk to people, move freely (somewhat) by going to the shop and or pharmacy or even a walk. Although we can't do a lot together, we can check on each other, reach out to each other and encourage each other during this troubling time. We can listen to each other and hear each other's concerns and worries and we can also laugh at the absurdity of the entire thing. We can laugh at the memes going around the Internet. We can try to ensure we laugh at least once a day - laughter is the best medicine and it can help a lot of people cope while experiencing loneliness and we can also reach out to the elderly and people at risk if they need help. We can be there for each other like we weren't before. Now is our chance to build real communities and uplift each other. I was going through some old photos last night and came across some of my photos from the time I wrote a blog for the Great Limerick Run in 2013. I was writing daily updates on my training in order to help others as I was going to participate in my first half marathon. I posted up a photo of myself and Brent Pope (the famous Kiwi Rugby Commentator who I had met in Dublin on a night out). I remember going to the race and having such excitement that I was going to do this. I was so happy and at the same time I felt the utter dread that I was going to run 21km. It came to the race and the atmosphere was electric. I loved it. I enjoyed every minute and as the people of Limerick stood out and gave free jellies on the way I was so happy with the warmth and friendliness of the city and surrounding suburbs. It was electric. My first half marathon and I loved it. I was hooked! I had been running since school and participated in a lot of sports events. On one of the school sports days I took home 3 gold medals and a bronze for running in different lengths but they were all mostly short and under 800m in length. I was on the hockey team and I did sports daily after school and on a Sunday morning there was also hockey training. I lived so close to the school that I always walked to and from training and never thought anything about it. I never expected people to be there. I never thought about inviting people. Parents would come and go from the hockey matches and I would gather my stuff and walk home. That was normal! This was different though I had written a sports blog. I was living in Dublin. I came home to do it so that I could join family and friends at the finish line for that very purpose. It meant more to me than any other race and any school race. No one was at the finish line so I made my way home. I had asked them down to see if they would come and they said no. I went home and celebrated there - as you can see from the photo above. That was grand. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was the utter disappointment that I felt that no one was there to support me - that it meant so much and that I wanted someone at the finish line even if it was just to go for food afterwards. It was such mixed emotions, I felt such elation at finishing and yet disappointment that no one was there. It was lonely. I repressed that feeling though, I undermined it and thought to myself - better look at the silver lining. I finished the race. I am happy that I finished it. I bundled up the negative emotions and stuffed them down deep because I didn't want to feel them. I wanted to be happy and knew I should be. I also felt guilty for feeling like I should be happy when I was mixed. I got home to a mixed reaction too. They weren't happy or not happy - they just were. I had the elation of the race, the adrenaline still pumping inside my veins and felt so mixed. I showered and told myself to be happy and that I finished the race. I didn't express the anger and disappointment and let down that I felt that no one was there. I just decided to push it down and ignore it. I know now after burnout that this was also a lesson to never ignore your feelings. They are what they are even if they are painful. Explore those emotions, feel them and let them pass - if you are angry get a pillow and punch it out, get upset - it's good. Ignoring your emotions will only manifest in time to be a stronger emotion and erupt. You will overwhelm yourself if you don't express it. MAYBE A LEVEL-HEADED EXPRESSION OF HOW YOU ARE FEELING AT THE TIME WOULD HAVE BEEN SUFFICIENT! For instance, expressing that you are disappointed that they weren't there and that it meant a lot to you! This doesn't always happen if you are in survival mode so be compassionate towards yourself - we make mistakes, we are human, freezing happens! I didn't erupt in this instance but I did avoid asking anyone or telling any family members about races. I just did them by myself. The excitement I kept to myself and would not share. Appreciating them as they are will give you ease. You can respect their choices and respect yours and the life you want to live. I eventually joined a club (Blackrock Athletic Club in Blackrock in Dublin - below is a photo of myself and the coach Patricia and also another Patricia in the club as well) and shared celebrations with people that understood me more and that running and sports were there thing too. I made teams of people that would be happy to run alongside with me. I found my people! I found the elation and joy without the disappointment. I also learnt that you need to find the people that like the same things as you do in order to find that joy. In 2016 I met Maeve at the end of the Dublin marathon and in 2017 myself and a small team entered the Berlin marathon, it was through the lottery entry system and got in. Build the community, join the club, make the connections that matter when it comes to the sport you love. If it means something to you and doesn't to someone who doesn't have an interest in sport, that's okay. It's a case of surrounding yourself with the right people with the same interests. You'll meet people along the way too and run a race with people. I met Andrea on the Rock and Roll half marathon and we had a great time. Celebrate with team members and enjoy, it'll be a joy and it was a joy! Never let anyone dull your sparkle! Germany has been a whirlwind. I came here in 2017 and it came as a happy surprise. I was living around the corner from work on Burlington Road in Dublin. I was a little over 300 steps into the Kobo offices from my apartment. I was at the point where I was living with a girl who was going to move out. She was a mature student and had gotten into medical school and was going to live with fellow medical students. I was sent to Germany in June for the first time for a week or so to help out in the Deutsche Telekom offices and move Tolino into our new offices. There were four in a department that needed to pull all the information from and take with us as we were going to be down to only one of those employees when the take-over happens. While I was there my flatmate in Dublin told me she was moving out and when I got back I asked her about the postbox and bins etc. She replied that she had handed in BOTH of our notices and that I had, in fact, only one week to move out! At the time I was going to travel in July to Serbia to a music festival and so that meant I had three days. I went into the office the following day and decided that I would take the vacancy that Kobo tried so hard to fill in Germany. The concert in Serbia was a blast and you can see the photo below! I had a great time and we were a bunch all together going to see Paul Kalkbrenner live along with many others as part of the EXIT festivals. I managed to pack up all my things and left them in the offices in Kobo and took a backpack which also included an entire week's worth of office clothes as I was going to travel via Frankfurt so I thought I'd stay put for that week. Kobo had offered to pay for flights to and from Germany for six months and also cover my accommodation. The start was rough, I was in an AirBnB and three Brazilian men answered the door half naked when I was expecting to stay with an old couple. There was no accommodation in the summer of 2017 in Darmstadt and I was a little afraid to stay with them. I stayed a few nights and survived unharmed thankfully. Being a female going into an apartment full of men that can overpower you at any moment your safety is always on your mind naturally! The first few days at the office were surreal. I came in with my backpack straight from the concert and started organising, planning and looking at the Oracle databases that were there. I had taken down notes of all the processes (old and outdated processes using email to send excel sheets) and decided that when my colleague was back that I would update some of these outdated processes. We worked together over the following months to update some of these and allow her to slot into the Kobo way of running things which was far more fast and efficient than the old DT way. I had no German so it was a little strange being in the office and some were unwelcoming asking 'what are you doing here anyway', some even labelled me as a spy from head office when in fact all it was was a simple opportunity that I had taken due to my lack of having somewhere to live! I kept my head high and pushed ahead with everything for the six months that I was there. I started German lessons to learn my first couple of words and as people got to know me they also warmed up to me a little more. They took me to the Christmas markets, out for dinners, drinks, showed me some places and I experienced real snow for the first time. The time flew and it was time to head home after the six months but I enjoyed it and gained an appreciation for all things in Germany. I had learnt French in school and the part of Germany that I did learn was from our history books which was brief as we had our own rebellion going on at the same time so the focus was more on Irish history. I hadn't really thought of Germany as a place to live although the funny part was I rang in the new year from 2016-2017 with Germans. I had a book on my Kobo account about moving to Germany so maybe there was something calling me there. Mam told me that our ancestors came from Rheinland-Platz and there was even a museum in Limerick with their name (Fitzell) on the website. http://www.irishpalatines.org/about/name.html The funny part was I felt like I fitted in more here than at home. The people loved camping and so did I, running and so did I, fitness and so did I along with a love of nature and even music tastes were similar. I was happily surprised. I felt more in-tune here than at home. I love hiking and was already a keen hiker having climbed over 5 mountains and the funny part about 2017 before I moved was that I had already set up a team (all the way back in 2016) to travel to Berlin to complete the Berlin Marathon under the Blackrock Running Club in Dublin. I had organised it and thankfully we all got in due to the team representation - all other individual entries were refused so we were really lucky. I guess something was pulling me to Germany all the time and I didn't know! I decided to remain in Germany after the 6 months as it was too short. I was only starting to explore and see the area. I had been offered an opportunity to program in Android which was in Java and that was my dream. I had loved Java as a language since my masters and wanted to keep going with it. I had previously worked as a Java programmer and decided to take the turn into digital resources so that was short-lived. All the experiences that I have had has made me me and I am so grateful that I had such opportunities to live here in Germany. Between hiking, travelling and meeting the people that I have met, I have found a real home and a place where my heart is. Germany is wonderful. The people are practical but so am I. I never wore much make-up or drank a lot especially compared to Irish women. I was usually the driver at Christmas for my parents too. I love the quiet and the sound of nature. I love hiking and I want to stay here. I guess I am drawn to the place. It's funny how I hadn't a word of German in 2017 to working fully in German by the end of 2019 and feeling at home here has given me a different perspective in life. I have fallen in love here. I love the language, the people and the way of life. I love the food like the fresh bread, the fact that people take off their shoes when they come into a house, the value placed on family and community and a deeper connection to others. I also lived with the most wonderful man who is ambitious and quiet and kind. He is forgiving and loving and although this was not meant to be, he has taught me so much about love and life that I will forever be grateful. It was totally unexpected, I had been single and loving life for two years before that and also in the middle of heart surgeries at the time. At the time when I needed someone the most he helped me move into a lovely apartment, taught me so many things. I never thought I could open my heart and love someone so much. Everyday was a pleasure waking up to see him and be with him. He is gentle, caring, kind, generous, sensitive, personable, attentive, fun-loving, compassionate and considerate and although we are no longer together, I wish him health and happiness. He is and will always be forever in my heart. I am truly grateful to meet such a man. When we'd kiss, it was like our souls were connected and our spirits danced in the clouds. It was like he lifted me into heaven and my heart yearned for more. It was as if we were the only two beings on the planet and no one else was on earth. It was like we were two jigsaw pieces that fit into each other and clicked once we were together. I was 22cm shorter and I would click in under his arm perfectly as if it was meant to be. We connected on a level that felt like it was out of this world. Our bodies engaged but our minds intertwined in a relationship that can only be described as perfect. Even with all of our imperfections, it was perfect, it was magical and it was as if someone lit a fire in my soul. The experience is unparalleled with what any words can describe surpassing all expectations, his essence intrigued me like no other. It was captivating and almost spellbinding. I can only thank him for such an experience. He has taught me what love means and to be loved. I have made friends for life that are more like family now. I organise hikes and explore the history of Germany while doing so. I love the fact that there are cakes for occasions and people prefer to bake them instead of buy them. We had birthday cakes where people brought in their own for their birthday which I found a strange concept as it was the opposite at home. It's a lovely community and it is respectful, people give each other space and yet afford them the opportunity to express themselves too. There is a separation between work and life that I never experienced previously. Perhaps in Ireland it has been taken over by American multinationals where we spend 60 hour weeks working together and have to make fun to last that long every week. In Germany people have more boundaries and I would say healthy boundaries compared to Ireland. I appreciate the way of life and way of working. It is slower and more precise. There isn't a rush to get it done for America at 2pm the next day. It is a case of getting it done correctly and precisely, however long it takes! In the classrooms I have been in, it is also more open. People are called upon openly to read their homework aloud. That would never happen at home! I have gotten used to that and let go of the shame and embarrassment associated with it. I had a very different classroom environment where we would hand up our homework and not speak as much. There is an openness here and a brash boldness to this that I had been initially really uncomfortable with. I appreciate this now - so what if it's wrong. I used to use the trick of sitting up the front of the class at home as a good way the teacher would avoid you and your peers wouldn't see my red-rosy cheeks when asked a question or the shame of embarrassment - that didn't work in Germany. The teacher calls on you more! It is almost like 'yes you can do it, get on with it' and I did and I appreciate that now. Germany you are wonderful and inspiring and respectful all at once. The landscapes and forests are incredible and I have even had the opportunity to camp and sleep in a hammock in the forest overlooking the Rhein. I felt like this was a dream. It was like I was in a film. The views were magnificent. I was there in a hammock and looking to my right I could see the meandering Rhein valley and see the boats go by while seeing the green rolling hills on the other side. I feel at home here like I haven't felt anywhere else. I want to grow my own vegetables and have my own place and when I want to travel I will rent this out. I want my own place that is quiet and I can read, run, hike and look out onto the green and also enjoy the wonderful surrounding area and beautiful countryside that is Germany. I love my life here, I have a lovely apartment, I am close to all the amenities that I need and also a short walk away from a forest that I can run in. I live around the corner from a swimming pool and I am able to (because I learnt to swim last year) go swimming in it for free as part of my gym membership. I have a little community, I meet the caretaker frequently in my building for a short chat before going to the shop where I chat to the woman in the shop. They are warm and friendly and it's like a small circle that I have joined. I am so grateful for the opportunities that Germany has given me. I feel like I have grown as a person with some of the challenges that came with moving country and settling into a culture where it is alright to say no to your boss! It's refreshing to stretch to new challenges and also have healthy boundaries in work. I enjoyed the social aspect of Kobo in Dublin but all the while I also love the structured working experience I have had here too. I enjoy working in German and in Germany. I am a level-headed person who is usually very organised and while I have had my tests health-wise in the past, I must say Germany has taught me so much about myself and life that I could not have dreamt of, so thank you Germany. I have built a community of triathletes completing our first triathlon and those that have entered continue to come hiking with us. Due to this I learnt to swim, learnt German and I went on my first ski trip and learnt to ski. Who could have asked for a better life, full of adventure and learning. I also love the fact that I have dreamt of many things and of doing many things and since I have made great friends here I can do these things with them. I have also adopted a German Mom and she has been the best person to know here, teaching me so many things about German culture and food. I am so grateful to have built a great community that I can keep with me for many years to come. It's the best decision I have ever made. I am looking ahead to the next adventures that Germany has brought me from triathlons, skiing to lots more hiking. Here's to the next chapter! I dreamt last night of Galway. I dreamt of the time that I was there and the freedom that I felt in my spirit that encouraged such a curiosity of wonder, a stillness in my heart and an adventure in my soul. It enthralled me as a place and invigorated my curiosity. I thrived there and loved the open and free-minded, pure, heartfelt nature of the people. The streets are filled with fire breathers, musicians and dancers. The people speaking in Irish, English, French or German along the main street of Shop Street. The University where challenges are met with enthusiasm and support along with a great community spirit by taking the approach of 'we will get through this together'. The mentality that we can and will accomplish our goals or anything that we set our minds to. The people that I have met with team work in mind and as part of that team work it is ingrained in us as part of the culture that 'no man is an island' that we need the community for support. The magnificent nature and sea front that sweeps along the Wild Atlantic Way and affords the people of Galway a glance into the sea by walking along the sea front in Salthill. The wonders of both the ocean and the landscape that is adorned with green rolling hills and crashing waves when you look out upon the seafront and its backdrop in the distance. In the University, the place where curiosity minds are met and challenged. The lecturers thrilled to give you an opportunity to ask questions and push their research. I am grateful for the time I spent there. I am grateful for the wonderful teachers and lecturers that I had. I am truly in awe of the spectacular ability to convey the complexity of mathematics and computers in such a clear and simple manner to make learning it fun. I had wonderful lecturers in my undergraduate I.T. degree, Dr. Colm O'Riordan who I asked questions to about natural language processing and data processing as well as search queries and neural networks and he endeavoured to answer every part in the lectures that followed. Dr. Sharon Flynn who taught Formal Methods and used unconventional ways of poaching students to come to the front of the lecture hall that seated 250 students and we were usually only about 20. Dr. Catherine Cronin who taught me to remain calm during presentations (although I have forgotten these once or twice when going through stressful periods) I remember the strategies she taught us. Dr. Michael Madden teaching us programming and Java for the first time and how challenging I thought it was. He inspired me to keep going and I remember having a meeting in his office when I thought it was really challenging and he lifted my spirits to keep going and that it is there to be overcome. Dr. Barry Gleeson who taught mathematical physics and made it look easy while translating the most complex mathematical equations to our class in the McMunn theatre. In my Masters I had Dr. Michael Lang for databases and he made it very easy, so simple in fact that I worked as a functional analyst afterwards and found SQL databases easy to use and program. I then went onto work using Oracle too. The most inspiring programming lecturer has to have been Martin Hughes, he restored my love of programming in Java. I always thought I wasn't good enough and was very intimidated by the people around me. He took us through .NET and gave us weekly tests to do in class. These were always negative marking and challenging but he made us believe programming is easy. Dr. Seamus Hill for supervising my thesis in Knowledge Management and it had a large component of statistics of which I am grateful for the guidance that this entailed and the supervision necessary for me to achieve my first class thesis. In my PhD, I had the best and most wonderful supervisor, Dr. Catherine Paolucci. She is an incredible woman with many achievements under her belt. She has achieved so much already and having received her doctorate at Columbia University was in Ireland and I was lucky enough to have such an inspirational supervisor who got me to believe in myself and that it was possible to accomplish the PhD. I even managed to present in her University towards the end of the PhD in NY and loved working with her. She went back to the States and now is a professor in Florida. I also worked with Dr. Mary Fleming who pushed me and challenged my way of thinking. She challenged every single word that I wrote and distilled the process in the final chapters. I am forever grateful to have been to NUI Galway, to have made friends and the community that remains and been surrounded by critical-thinkers that invigorate your level of curiosity like no others and to all the lecturers and teachers that I have not mentioned in this post. I truly am grateful for the upstanding and excellent teaching that you have brought me and my fellow alumni. They are truly inspirational and my love affair with Galway will remain. Photo credit: @nuigalwayalumni instagram account for St. Patrick's Day. This year Galway is the European Capital of Culture and for St. Patrick's Day lit up Connemara to show the true magic of the part of the country. https://www.rte.ie/culture/2020/0315/1123411-watch-galway-2020-lights-up-the-connemara-mountains/ Films
Main Films on Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-eDoThe6qo - A1 level https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg5P2w_Ro1c - A2 level https://youtu.be/LkufozluseI - B1 level https://youtu.be/JPrv_TmmnYg - small film YouTube Channels Main Youtube Channels - 24h Deutsch https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHpnIL-1QIUyVhdGVJ6rW3A KonstanzeK https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCN0QV2z7IGymTlzL46xxIjg Learn German with Ania. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZwegPHTG4gvnR0WLzaq5OQ Easy German https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbxb2fqe9oNgglAoYqsYOtQ Learn German with Jenny https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClBrbJXNh2sFxOuvH4o5H9g Learn German today https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbWUtDvkaxhabb6Sc7rucGQ Learn German with GermanPod101 https://www.youtube.com/user/germanpod101 Netflix - The Big Bang Theory has the most accurate German subtitles that match what they are saying. The guys in work recommended watching everything in German with German subtitles to train the ear and I have tried a lot of other stuff and this was the best so far. I usually pause it and look up some words on google translate and as they are only 20 minutes it works out at 30 minutes to watch an episode with stopping and starting. The guys in work recommended https://www.deepl.com/translator over google translate as well as the algorithm is a lot better for translating whole sentences although it doesn’t keep a history. Obviously https://dict.leo.org/german-english/ is the best and most accurate but translating sentences is harder so I find the deepl one better for that. Podcasts available online You can get these either on Spotify or ‘tune in radio’ app. GermanPod101 has all podcasts for free on tune in app. it’s good for beginning but translates too much into English and you don’t have to make any effort in trying to understand anything or pause a thing to look it up etc. You can download the PDFs to read along with the podcasts online and if not I can email them to you as well. I have all 1-9 podcasts on my phone as I got them from work as an audiobook for free so goes from beginner to advanced German. It’s good for vocabulary initially and explaining some grammar but not ideal when you want full immersion and defeats the purpose of immersion!
Radio stations
Songs available on spotify that are popular at the moment
The class structure for the intensive course was always the same - Start of every class we would repeat ‘Deutsch ist einfach’!
Our homework every week was always one letter to write out and she’d take that home with her to correct and give it back the next day. We were paired with people to do some language exchange daily. Homework was usually the ‘test’ section at the end of every chapter and we’d have all of that page to do or two pages usually the “basistraining” and the test or just the test and a brief to write. TELC practice tests We did a practice test for the TELC every week once a week and were told in advance what day it would be on so we could prepare. This was usually the listening, reading comprehension and writing section. She’d mark it and give it to us the next day and go through the answers with us in the class. https://www.telc.net/pruefungsteilnehmende/sprachpruefungen/pruefungen/detail/zertifikat-deutsch-telc-deutsch-b1.html It’s similar to Goethe Institut and both are recognised the same for work and the work council. The TELC is paid for by the government or a portion is paid for for all European citizens and refugees too. It includes the ‘Leben in Deutschland’ at the end of the three levels A1-B1 course. https://www.bamf.de/EN/Willkommen/DeutschLernen/Integrationskurse/Abschlusspruefung/LebenInDeutschland/lebenindeutschland.html Apps in order of rating https://www.mondly.com/ - the technology behind this is incredible. They use Augmented Reality on your phone so you can see a bird flying in your own room through your phone. It is brilliant. I haven’t used it as much as Memrise but it is impressive and there is an AI person talking to you too. https://www.memrise.com/ - learn vocabulary with articles - I used this extensively and can say it is the best app I have used so far. I have created my own cards on it as well and you can take other people’s words and add them to your own course. Memrise has 7 levels of their own and a year subscription is 45 euro at the moment. It is great to learn the words with articles. https://www.duolingo.com/learn & Tinycards zusammen! - for more grammar but no articles with vocab, this gets you talking more as you have to speak aloud but you don’t learn anything with the articles which is really hard then later on when you need to know the four cases. Duolingo has been restructured and the stories are really useful for exercises. It’s been aligned to the CEFR now too so you can see what vocab matches what. I LOVE the Duolingo Stories though - they are great and a separate section on the website. They walk through what happens and it’s really entertaining. Goethe Institut - they have stories on their app - it’s good but not great. Drops - it’s good but not great. DW learn German - A little boring Tageschau for the regular news, I usually watch that daily FlashAcademy - not great For connecting to native speakers - https://preply.com/en/lessons for connecting online with a native speaker - there are others as well but I find this really good. This is paid for but some are really cheap and worth booking in advance. Apps for all the books mentioned above - Menschen, Schritte neu Grammatik etc have the audio files for the books. I’ve tried a lot of others but this list are the ones I’ve kept on my phone! Books https://www.klett-sprachen.de/ https://www.klett-sprachen.de/sophie-scholl-die-weisse-rose/t-1/9783125560246 was the book leading up to the war and comes with a CD to read along to which improved my German significantly. It is aimed at A2 level and an easy read. I was using this during my preply classes with the same native speaker I have kept for the last while. A1-B1 level Books for teaching I had this in my A1 course.
B1 course
Grammar books
Supplementary material The teacher got us to use this and only this table for the entire course - http://www.graf-gutfreund.at/daf/02grammatik/03adjektiv/gr1_deklination.pdf and it incorporated almost everything - she added that if you use dem then the next word would always be en not em and things like that so you could go with the rules then. She also gave us this venn diagram. This was the other one that we had and always used the ‘Bewegung oder nicht’ as the rule for using Akk and then she would repeat continuously MIT --- Dativ etc http://www.graf-gutfreund.at/daf/02grammatik/04praeposition/gr1_praepositionen.pdf My letter I sent out to colleagues when I left Kobo last year including the photos of the memories that I made while working in Dublin and Darmstadt. Hi all, Today is my last day with Kobo. I remember my first week starting in the Dublin office and I could not believe I was handed a drink on a Friday evening and told I could play pool - alcohol in work is a foreign concept in most offices in Ireland. The photo of me beside a Kobo sign in the old Dublin office with a drink was back in 2015 and I had started as a contractor for a couple of months. I am grateful to all the open-minded people that I have met. I have made many great memories working for Kobo between having games nights, beer o’clocks, getting deadlines done and ordering pizza, going for hikes in both Ireland and Germany and most importantly making friends while working together. In 2017, I moved to Germany to help out a different department that was absorbed into Partner Operations. Different role, different country, different language, different culture, same active Ali :-D We managed to introduce some beer o’clock to form some more #teamworkmakesthedreamwork and Kobo mentality adopted from Canada and hikes were introduced as well as runs with good posters (I have to say that as I made that poster myself!). We even did our own Oktoberfest. I am extremely grateful for the support Kobo has provided to me especially personally over the last number of years. I had several operations that impacted me in all aspects of my life and I am lucky to have worked with a company that provided such outstanding support for that area of my life. Unfortunately the time had to come to an end and I wish everyone the best of luck in the future. March is looking great already. I have over 20 videos on my YouTube channel. I have started training so am swimming a lot and most importantly I am coding personally which I really enjoy! I love Java and I also love posting up these videos showing others how to code.
After last month's successful hike that I organised, we are off on another next weekend and this weekend will be a visit from my sister where I will show her some of the wonders of Germany and the Rhine-main area. It is beautiful and once we rent the car and enjoy the adventure it's time to code a new app I think... watch this space! Second month of the year and I have 10 videos on my YouTube channel. I am swimming regularly and have already gone on a hike this year. I've created a simple camera app and started looking at more development in terms of Java and Android.
Check out my channel and please subscribe: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCa3srUdL0Hg759kxWvH_cAQ What a fun filled year already, skiing, hiking, swimming. Everyone is healthy and it's been a whirlwind but now I can safely say... all things are working out perfectly. Welcome to the new year and what a year last year was! I started a YouTube channel and also a new job at the end of last year so unfortunately only started it and didn't take off. I have now put up one more video and created a Udemy course which is still in the instructional design phase.
YouTube channel is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCa3srUdL0Hg759kxWvH_cAQ/featured Feel free to visit it and check it out. While also exploring other things of interest I decided that I would sign up for a few things this year, one being the Berlin Triathlon. After the success of setting up the Girl Gone International 10 Friends Triathlon in Darmstadt this year and training most weekends together, we decided we'd go for a full one. It was so much fun we're taking the plunge! Who would have thought I only learnt how to swim two months before the 10 Friends Triathlon - that was the challenge and thankfully we managed to complete it as a team. I loved it and we did it together. We all waited for each other at the bikes before going again. At the end though, running is my favourite and we all ran at different paces ensuring those who came in ahead of others cheered on the rest or ran beside them until the end. As I used to say in Kobo while I was working there 'Team work makes the dream work!' and I can safely say, yes, yes it really does. Team work really does make the dream work! So while these communities were developed last year and I was delighted that I got started with it, who would have thought that my suggestion on a Facebook page (that I had only just joined!) could lead to a group of girls completing a Triathlon together. It was so much fun. This year is going to be great, I am already ready for the new challenges ahead both sport and career wise. So there you have it, I've done the TELC examination for B1 and also the Goethe-Institut examination for B1 - only yesterday.
What are the differences? Is TELC easier or is Goethe B1 easier? Well, in my opinion Goethe is easier as you can 'hack' the examination. You have 15 minutes in room alone before the oral examination and you are given the presentation to present already. So you have time to prepare. TELC it is all spontaneous and you need to describe an image there and then, prepare an event together and also with both you need to present yourself. Both are similar but carry strengths and weaknesses. TELC has grammar and close tests. Goethe has no grammar section but has more writing. Goethe you get your results the same day, TELC you need to wait for four weeks! Both have similar listening, reading and writing sections. More writing in Goethe, no close tests, more preparation for the speaking section and more structure. TELC is more spontaneous and the examiners seem to be able to ask more well-rounded, real-life examples but in Goethe it is definitely more structured and they start with saying when it has started and when the examination has finished. Both are obviously great to have and with TELC you can do an additional test called the 'leben in Deutschland' and you can do this as a replacement for a citizenship test. While I got 100% for speaking in TELC, I was prepared for it. I had studied. I didn't study for Goethe. I was tired, had no sleep and I think I got about 4 hours of sleep beforehand. All said I managed to get both certificates and managed to get an average of 96% in my TELC and 83% in Goethe. I was a little burnt out by Goethe. I hadn't practiced writing and actually fell asleep during the last few minutes of the reading part. It was tough going. Sleep is so important. Now I work fully in German and it's easy... and I'll forget it all when I go home for Christmas LOL. :-D Well it is November 2019 already and after having been in a German classroom for the last while learning German I can safely say we have a few things to learn when it comes to language learning.
1) The Germans use accusative, dative, nominative and genitive to describe the four cases. 2) The sentence structures are explained as formulas so there is not guessing or feeling - it is simply - this takes this or that takes that and that's it. 3) No other language is used in the classroom other than 'the target language' being taught. It is 100% immersive and everyone gets a chance to speak the language. 4) The structure is the same daily - we read out our homework, everyone gets a chance to read aloud, we do listening work, the teacher explains some grammar briefly and we practice the sentence structure of that grammar in pairs speaking to each other. Simple but effective! We are encouraged to go to language cafes and speak from the very first day. It is the most refreshing and confidence forming things to speak a language that you have only spent a short time learning. I have watched a lot of films and TV series in German with German subtitles, played Memrise for learning vocabulary and Duolingo the odd time - the really rare time! The biggest difference though has to be that I am fully immersed in the classroom. The moment I step outside I speak English even with colleagues. Today I completed an entire day fully in German in a work setting and this has been truly remarkable considering I had 2 words (Hallo und Danke!) when I landed in 2017 and also working in an all English environment! I've recently spoken with German teachers in Ireland and passed on my resources to them with the thoughts - if only I had learnt Irish in this fashion. I also found a research document from UCD regarding the comparisons of Irish and German with 'verb am ende' and the cases that Irish has like nominative and accusative. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE and IS SO LOGICAL! Please feel free to share my resources that I have used to learn German and it also outsides the classroom structure too. We could probably spent a fortune on getting native speakers over and language assistance but at the end of the day it's a case of getting all students to speak --- DAILY - they usually have 5 lessons per week allocated! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Dpkj6dx5Rm971ZBKZ6tI89ud1Zs0_Eav1XZmnI4UTnE/edit?usp=sharing Studying again! Here I go again, back to study and this time while also working. It is hard to think that I have studied so much while also continuing to study more and more and now with the added extra to study while working too. It is a challenge to say the least. I find myself looking at deadlines at work and thinking about study a lot. Let's see how I handle the next set of challenges ahead. I have until November at least whereby the rest of the exams take place and then I hope to be finished for that goal and straight into being a professional. I am a lifelong learner anyway - a nerd - I love figuring things out. I enjoy learning and a challenge. It is a challenge to balance both now so let's see how it goes again!
I am an optimistic person, I am a forgiving person and I see the silver-lining in things. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and I also have openly told people that I would never squeal on anyone as I never want to do that. I have broadcasted my 'snitches get stitches' and when it came to it they tested the ground and I didn't tell on them. I didn't tell that they had thrown me under the bus in front of the boss by leading me in a different (incorrect) path in work. I loved my job and at the end they were helping others in the team. Why could I not trust them? It was so confusing.
They were helping people I loved and they were even going out of their way to help them. It just didn't seem to translate for me though. I mean telling me something else and leading me down a different path is calculated, right? I remember the first time it happened. I had an entire morning even joining the group outside in the sunshine while they smoked. I was part of the fold, I was part of the team. We had a discussion about a team member going to our VP about some behaviour from our boss. The guys questioned me about it and asked me what I thought I would do and I got passionate. I got passionate about being a team and that we stick together and telling on someone is not something that is done. It is not the playground. We don't go tell on each other. We address the issues ourselves and do not go to the bosses to squeal. That afternoon we had our standup meeting in work and as I stood there to explain to my boss what I had covered and thank my colleagues for helping me the previous week, my colleague interrupted and explained that I didn't do the work but something else. My mouth dropped. I was gobsmacked. I had been learning and only started in the position. I froze. I didn't say anything but I was upset. I couldn't believe that a team member stood there - the person who had helped me the entire week learning Android and went out of his way to spend the entire day daily teaching me this stuff would then turn to the boss and say outright that I didn't do the work that the boss had assigned. The worst part was, that that was true and he (the colleague) had told me that he would let the boss know and that as I was learning that it was all fine. He would tell him that it was fine. Instead it was the complete opposite. I was so upset. I had trusted him. I had been learning all week with activities my colleague assigned to me and ignored the bosses tasks based on his word that he would tell the boss that he gave me activities to do instead. One of the most toxic things that you can do is to ignore someone's bad behaviour because you love your job. You can choose to forgive and forgive easily, however, it is a case of whether the person will do it to you again or not. I have been in positions where I have forgiven and moved on and in the end the people have repeated the same behaviour again and the level of hurt sustained was unimaginable the first time and the second time was worse! I couldn't believe that they had done it again and I couldn't get over the hurt to forgive them for what they did. I mean I had told them this was painful, why would they purposely go out of their way to hurt me again if they loved me. Why would they put other people ahead of me? Why would they do it? Why? Just why? The never ending questioning of why can lead you to spiral as you cannot understand why someone would do such a thing. Why they would lie and why you trusted them for a second time after they had said they wouldn't do it again. Why you had thought you addressed the issue and it wasn't addressed and why they were going completely out of their way for others in the team only to let you down over and over again. These were the people that eventually would snicker at you and call you names to your face and while the survival mode kicked in, you froze, and couldn't believe it was happening. It was a dark place but you remained so optimistic that you had been through a lot in your life already and loved the job that you tried to cope with noise cancelling headphones and separation from the team to work only without any personal details. It all happened quite quickly in the end. A few months passed and you tried to remain upbeat and optimistic in the team. Going to work was challenging but you know, it was the job you had worked so hard for and loved. You had the qualifications. You would tell yourself you deserve to be there, you were qualified, it didn't matter if you got along with the team. You could go for a walk at lunch and take the time during the day yourself. You listened to music or speeches at night. Still exhausted and trying to cope, you read books, listened to podcasts and all the while not feeling very productive because you were exhausted and tired all the time. Struggling to cope but remaining optimistic - you had a job, you had income, it could be worse! Being optimistic and upbeat and trying to watch comedy is one of my ways of coping but abuse is abuse and when it came to it, this was one example of something that happened daily over months and minute by minute something else would happen. Ignoring someone can have the same impact on your brain as a physical attack. The same chemicals are released. Ignoring something is one thing, physically hitting your chair passing you by and making fun of you isn't something anyone should stand for. It happens incrementally and you make excuses because you are in a job that you love and worked so hard for, you want to be a developer, you are still learning. You had loved this position. Your boundaries start to deteriorate. Slowly breaking you down and your confidence until burnout happens - see other post on burnout for more details! Being overly optimistic can lead you to forgive the unforgivable or if you can't forgive, it can also lead you to ignore someone's bad behaviour and create a blindspot. You try to ignore it as the experts tell you to remain positive and ignore the bullies but this, in my opinion, should never happen. Creating blindspots allows us to act akin to an Ostrich, we can stick our heads in the sand, we can tell ourselves to focus on the task at hand, it's not that bad, we have been through worse, we can deal with it, the people don't know what they are doing, they didn't do it on purpose, you are still working in the job you love, you are still there, it is worth it, other companies will be the same, maybe I am sensitive, maybe the guys aren't that bad, maybe they didn't mean it... all of these create blindspots and you can be overly optimistic. This is damaging, this is undermining to you and your feelings. Yes you should cope and perhaps you are in a situation that you cannot leave. I read books and listened to podcasts about being in toxic workplaces. None of which helped as they all said that you should leave the environment. I thought it was fine but it wasn't. Anger and resentment and bitterness can take hold and twist your sense of being and your perspective as you suppress it instead of addressing it. It will overwhelm you. I have learnt this lesson already! Ignoring your feelings will only get the better of you and your life and will end up in a place that is not right. Another toxic belief is to keep fighting through in an environment that is toxic. This is not helpful. All of the motivational videos will tell you that you must fight, you will overcome an obstacle. If you have an option to leave - leave! This toxic environment can rub off on you like the way you can put a rotten apple beside healthy ones and they all become rotten. You will too become rotten. It is contagious. Your sense of worth will decrease and you will attain some toxic beliefs as a result of being around people with what are known as 'dark personalities'. It is not worth it. When you read the book 'Rising above a toxic workplace' from Gary Chapman, Dr. Paul White and Harold Myra, all of them come to the conclusion that most people stay too long in toxic workplaces and end up losing confidence. Separate the facts from the people and isolate these from each other to gain some perspective - this will help to see if their actions align with what they are saying. Oftentimes in toxic workplaces the boss will tell you something but do something else and in this case it was true. You will never win if the boss is not supportive. It's time to leave. You were somewhere else before. You will get the money if you go somewhere else. Look for support! Find the other job! Get help, reach out to others that have experienced working in a toxic environment. Others will help you to see that some behaviours are not acceptable. Being overly optimistic can undermine your own feelings and you can bury them. This is unhealthy and they will come out and even in a misdirected, unguided fashion they will come out. See the post regarding burnout. Your brain will thank you if you leave. It will set off a chain of events to become a freer, happier, more fulfilling life if and when you do. I know the things that I should have done to address this situation now and I will keep these lessons forever. I have let go of the past, I have forgiven - see post on the act of forgiveness, I have a sense of freedom that I had before this happened and I am not trapped from the anger and resentment that occurred as a result of being in this cage of hurt and abuse. Being trapped as an animal is the same as being trapped in a cage, you will lash out, it just depends on who opens that cage next that will get the repercussions. It's important to open the cage yourself, allow yourself to feel the hurt and pain to get to the forgiveness, learn the lessons and let go of the past. You will be free, you won't let it happen again and you won't convince yourself to be optimistic in times when someone is openly throwing you under the bus again! Never make excuses for someone's bad behaviour when it should not be tolerated. It's important to gain perspective from their perspective to gain empathy but excusing it is another thing. Forgiving is freedom and letting go of the past but keeping the lessons will give you ease. Last year I went through a period of my life from around February 2019 onwards (it was actually September 2018 when I stood up to the guys asking them not to joke about rape at work but it wasn't insidious and my boss wasn't on board at that point) where I was experiencing high levels of stress. I was being bullied in work by my colleagues and some were doing things that were very strategic - hiding passwords that they knew so I couldn't progress and I'd have to chase to find them or ring old colleagues, hitting the back of my chair while passing constantly, outright telling me that I was stupid, unproductive, unfocused, sensitive and incompetent while masking it under the umbrella of 'I was trying to help you', joking about raping women and using the word rape constantly in a work environment and the list goes on. My boss was also taking me into a room for sometimes two hours per day telling me how I would never be as good a programmer as another colleague in my team and then telling me that I could work on the same task and improve it. He was continuously telling me that I was terrible and at the same time would give me compliments. It was really confusing. I was frozen and I couldn't move. Being called daily by colleagues stupid and not just by one but by three as well as your boss, you start to begin to believe it. I read books and they told me to ignore them. I would say NEVER IGNORE PEOPLE WHO ARE CALLING YOU NAMES. It sends a signal to your brain that it is alright for them to treat you that way. I ignored them and repressed the negative feelings in order to cope but I don't think anyone could cope under the circumstances. All day everyday if it wasn't in person, it was snickering and laughing loudly at me and the code I had written OR in instant messenger. You start believing that you are stupid.
I wanted to hold onto my job. It was my dream for a long time to become a Software Developer and for this opportunity to come along was a godsend! I was delighted to start into the world of Android development. I was happy to get going and start working on something new. I had worked as a Java programmer previously. I had even given lectures in C# development. I started with carrying two jobs as the previous position didn't want to let me go. This was my first mistake! I was under a lot of stress to preform from the beginning but hadn't the time to put in. I started taking things home and for my own benefit learn Android at home too. After all, I enjoyed programming and still enjoy programming in my spare time. It's like solving a puzzle. I love that aspect. I had found an error in the live version of the application. This was my second mistake. I was given tasks daily to change and update the same existing section daily. I took it home nightly and would wake around 5am thinking about it. I would come up with a solution and then try to implement it the following day. My boss would want it straight away and I would warn him saying the solution will break and he would say, I don't care, do it anyway. My colleagues then would see the commits and complain that something was wrong. I was getting it from both sides. I knew my niece was coming in the March to work for a week in work and I had a heavy heart around the time as my boss started to ramp up the pressure in work and bring me into an individual meeting room for up to two hours telling me that I was useless. There were also things sexual in nature which I won't repeat and this was the worst of it. It would wear your confidence, essence of your being down to your core until you crash. I was being brainwashed and I didn't know - although does anyone know that they were being brainwashed when they are being brainwashed. It took me repeating his behaviours outside in a social environment for the anger to come out of me and for his abhorrent behaviour to show itself inside me. It came out as all abuse does eventually. Burnout had taken its town and I could not stop crying. I was levelled as a person. I was trying all my strategies to keep sane like watching comedy, making jokes, looking at the silver lining, concentrating on my goal, telling myself that it was temporary, focusing on the task but my mind was melted. I could not actually take in new information. I couldn't absorb anything. I was a nervous wreck and it was ruining my life. I was making terrible decisions. My mood was all over the place. I was trying so hard to be happy that I suppressed it instead of addressing it. I tried to stay upbeat and fought too long and too hard. Eventually I couldn't sleep, I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep on the couch. I couldn't cope and wasn't coping at all. My immunity was low and I picked up everything. I even managed to get an ear, nose and throat infection and I had never gotten one ever before. I didn't even know that that was possible! I was exhausted but one of my ways of coping was exercise and I was too tired to push it. I would try to and feel better but then with lack of sleep and ruminating thoughts overpowering me, it worsened and wore me out. I could hear his words in my head and I couldn't shut them out. It was like he was inside my head all the time. I woke up thinking about what he had said in previous meetings and I couldn't turn it off. I was working but I wasn't focused. I couldn't concentrate. I was actually unproductive. I wasn't initially but by this stage I was. I couldn't string a sentence together without analysing it and thinking it was incorrect. I was saying peculiar things that didn't make sense. Logic went out the window and my family life also had its own things going on with my niece being sick. I was so concerned for her. I had been a tuning fork for my sister and listened to her about her worries. It made me even more upset and worried and this was my final mistake. It was as if my colleagues bullying me had known that I was going to be unproductive. It was the case. I was unproductive and some part of you start to think were the rest of his words right? Was I stupid, like the way I was unproductive, was I also incompetent? Abuse always manifests itself when it's suppressed. This form of abuse by my colleagues and boss found its way into my thoughts and words and eventually my actions. It was like an outer body experience. All I could think about was the insults that my boss had thrown at me in our two hour meetings and they became ruminating thoughts. They eventually came out to those around me and in my non-sensical, illogical, rhetoric to everything and everyone and the need to explain the most utter nonsense I got angry. It obliterated my being and my nature. It got into my mind and thoughts and eventually my own actions. I had lost control. By the time I had gotten to the doctor they had said it was one of the worst cases they have heard and I only had to say a few examples between the tears that were continuously pouring down my face. The doctor took my bloods first and noticed that I was deficient in Vitamin D and had low B12. Vitamin D is linked to depression so a chemical imbalance was already there without the abuse from colleagues and an abhorrent boss. I am an optimistic person so I kept asking myself why and the doctor had given me a chance to visit them every week for the next six weeks but not to go to work. I had explained the situation and that I couldn't stop crying. I had never had this outer body experience and they explained that it was in fact normal. Abuse like that will always come out and your body reacted in a way that was a freeze response. You fought in the end, just in a misdirected way and your brain was scrambled. When they explained the science it made sense and I needed to get back on track. They had told me simply to take the supplements, go outside, do everything that 'brings you joy' and do not think of anything else. I pulled myself together and organised the 10 friends triathlon. I didn't know how to swim so I pushed myself into learning something knew that didn't involve so much thinking as moving my body in the hope that my mind would catch up. I felt like not retaining new information for weeks on end was a bit like how someone might feel if they were to experience Alzheimers and I am all too aware of its impact as my aunt struggled and eventually passed away from this horrible disease. She eventually couldn't talk, walk or use the bathroom on her own. We thought she would recognise us and she would smile when we'd visit but in the end we don't know if she did or not as she couldn't communicate. It is the most frightening experience I will and have ever experienced. Your brain is like a butterfly and cannot concentrate and for someone who earns a living from having a good working memory and brain in order to program, this was also my own livelihood and identity. Part of me felt this fear and disgust for these men and another part of me felt so sorry for them because we should have a society that prevents these things from happening. Unfortunately I couldn't go back to a place where I was always going to feel unwelcome. I started to rebuild and get back to my life and back to my level-headed self that has some balance in a safe world. My safety had been threatened so my heart was starting beat faster and I had already been through two heart operations so in the end I had to leave my dream job go and take the time I needed to heal. The time over the following months was productive. I learnt to swim, made friends, organised weekly training sessions with them, read a lot (my brain started to be able to retain the page that I had read so I could read the next one, previously I would read a page and have to re-read and sometimes re-read a second or third time), I ran, went on two dates (they were also awful but an experience nonetheless and that was enough!), I swam, I met up with friends for lunches, I learnt German and I eventually did the German examination. I started a new job in November and worked on a new project as a lead Software Developer. I started belly dancing and trying new things like painting some artwork as well. I received my results from the B1 German examination and to say that I was validated and relieved is an understatement. I was so happy I had some tears in my eyes. I knew I did well but it was just icing on the cake to have it as a piece of paper. I was delighted. I can safely say that this won't happen again. Some might ask why didn't you leave, it was bad timing. I was in debt, I had some health issues and couldn't move at that time. I felt trapped and that feeling of being trapped will always make people doing some irregular things that are out of character like an animal being trapped when they are normally subdued or serene will eventually attack back when they are abused. You just need to look at nature to realise this. While I defend my actions now, I am remorseful and really sorry for the actions that hurt people. I exploded and blew up to the wrong people. It was a case of being close to me at the wrong time when I had what can only be described as burnout. I have learnt so much and I am grateful that it happened then when I could still manage to do things, meet new people and challenge myself. Although my life blew up, I left an environment that was toxic away from the sexism that I experienced and abuse that I endured to live an even better life now that I could ever have dreamed of. It has given me the strength and courage to do things that I would not have done previously. I have made friends that I will have forever and we made strong bonds over their own experiences that they had in their previous jobs that were similar. I found what can only be described as a serenity within me and a confidence that is unshakable. I am a creator of my life. I am in control of my thoughts. My brain is working and I am at the point in my life that I love my life right now. I love the peace that I have right now. I have created better healthier boundaries. I can't even describe how many more lessons and better experiences that I have had since then. I know that in a way, if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be here now. For all those that are experiencing bullying or mobbing they call it in Germany and sexual harassment in work - it will come out, the anger must go somewhere, the sooner you come out of this period of your life - your best life awaits. The abuse might be sugar coated between insults and compliments which makes the body go to survival mode and if you are optimistic it will keep you from addressing the core issues because you will convince yourself when it's good that 'it's not so bad' when it is bad and things get worse and worse until it's too much to handle. You will be stronger having learnt and kept the lessons from the past but let go of the abuse. Surround yourself with positive people that build you up and not tear you down. Move on, be your own creator and remember how much you have overcome. Never repress your negative emotions, stand up for what you believe in and it doesn't matter if that means going to your bosses boss - even if it against all that you believe in. DO NOT IGNORE ABHORRENT BEHAVIOUR - IT WILL CONTINUE! Never repress negative feelings to focus on positive ones - they will get stronger and result in emotional flooding! FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR YOU KNEW NOT WHAT YOU DID! They didn't break you, they made you stronger. Recommended reading: Dodging energy vampires - An empath's guide to evading relationships that drain you and restoring your health and power - Dr. Christine Northrup You can heal your life - Louise Hay The gift of forgiveness - Katherine Schwarzenegger How to be human - Ruby Wax The Highly Sensitive Person - Elaine N. Aaron Burnout - the secret to solving the stress cycle - Emily Nagoski, Amelia Nagoski Mindset - changing the way you think to fulfil your potential - Dr. Carol Dweck Grit - Angela Duckworth Braving the Wilderness - the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone - Dr. Brené Brown The Happiness Advantage - How a positive brain fuels success in work and life - Dr. Shawn Achor It seems like a lifetime ago since I wrote the PhD although it stays in my memories forever. It was a challenging experience and while I am really proud of creating multiple games. I can say that I have started in Android development having little to no experience of it. I had spent a long time figuring out what was Unity 4 and C# within Unity and having made the change to Java and Android development I feel like it is a different kettle of fish.
I find myself looking for better code, more efficient steps, what are the best ways to use git, what does industry say about using cherry-picking when on a particular branch. Why making code more efficient can help the application. Tracing back through the top level app to the Android Operating System (AOSP) and looking at the Dalvik virtual machine that was used initially as a way to use Linux kernel in AOSP. How Dalvik is now not used in the later version and what happens to the efficiency of the software. Software re-usability is key and while inheritance is used within the code, it seems there are parts of the code that can be seen as customised in particular parts. I have now worked a lot with the MVP or MVVP architecture for one feature and I have to say, it is easy to read, reusable and most importantly for here has reduced the amount of code used for one feature. It has reduced 10 separate files to four even with the addition of one for a separate page calling a new intent, it is still a lot less. I am reminded of the PhD and trying to understand what I did, where I did it and why I did it and reading the abstract it doesn't show as much of the code and ins and outs that I struggled with. It didn't really expose the amount of sleepless nights and hours sitting in front of a computer forgetting to eat in order to get the WiiMote to connect to a particular Windows machine using a Broadcom driver and not realtek all within Unity. The hours spent reviewing Will Goldstones Unity videos while the Unity Learn feature was not available on their site nor was the GUI of Unity 5+. I had a look at the appendices of the PhD and thought I'd have more code provided in the design document or anywhere else but it seems not to be the case. I guess, it was the plan afterwards to commercialise it so I kept that to a minimum. Feel free to read the abstract below - you can tell it was hiding a lot more of the technology that I thought at the time. The last line of the PhD I am happy said the following: “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”– George Bernard Shaw I feel like this stands true today more than ever after the PhD. It seems I have to also change my mind towards learning. I have challenged myself and found myself being a little 'beaten down' by industry and the 'showing off' nature of code or the putting down of code from past colleagues. I am learning and I am also learning that I love coding. I want to code, I love hardware and software and learning new things. I enjoy the thrill of getting something to work and spending hours trying to figure something out. I love working with my headphones and listening to something uplifting while feeling like a whole day is gone in a minute. I am in flow and I am engaged with my work and I am here to stay. I love technology too much to give up on it easily. I am ready to keep going and keep doing what I love and improve every step along the way. What a lovely way to start the year - we have some new features I am working on. I love blending both hardware and software and working for tolino/Kobo we are one of the few that do both. I, thankfully, am part of the eReader team so I work developing the software for the device. I have had the experience now of working on a legacy device with Android 2.3.4 and newer Android 4.4.2 and upwards. Thankfully the features you can see are improving. I am excited to develop one that will mix my background having experience in Gesture-Based games that also blended hardware and software. Watch this space! Once I have the feature developed and it is on the market I can show it here. I am working on this entirely by myself so I am eager to see the research and development of the feature coming together. December 2018!December already! I have had a rough year so far with three operations since last December and other health issues rearing its head. I am glad to be finally on the mend. I hope the following year will be a lot more healthful. On other things, I am starting to settle into the Android development role now and enjoy learning something new daily. I wrote up my performance review recently and have been looking at how much I have progressed since July even with all the interruptions of hospital visits. I now have learnt a lot more about the inner-workings of the app and aosp. Next year I have a few goals that I hope to achieve. Last years goals were as follows:- Android development, B1 German, fix a medium bug and documentation by shadowing a colleague. I have achieved them in terms of the bug, documentation as well as on-going learning of German. I had to reschedule the B1 examination as I had the last operation in November 2018 and it was the same week as it was scheduled. Thankfully I have been learning a lot of German with Memrise, Duolingo and now an evening class two times a week. Next years goals I am looking at a few things in terms of work:- 1) Android development - completion of the nanodegree - paid for course. 2) B1 exam in November - completion of B1 and go to another course for B2 with a view to complete the B2 exam in November 2020. 3) AOSP and kernel development - fixing of a bug or feature development of a task in the AOSP - fixing of bugs specifically in AOSP in terms of gesture-based side of the system. 4) Re-designing of the app with UX and implementation of the MVP architecture - this will clean up the code completely, improve performance, reduce lines of code and make the code more readable. Personal goals include :- 1) A competitive run 2) Climbing a mountain 3) Travel to a country I have never visited before 4) Do a long hike 5) An adventure race at the end of the year As for relationship goals, I'll keep them to myself but yes, I would like to contact friends more - visit them more and keep in contact a lot more. We shall see how 2019 fairs. September 2018!This month last year I completed the Berlin marathon in a time of 4 hours 11 minutes. I was delighted with myself as I got a pain in my heart, not unlike a cramp. I walked an entire kilometre and had another cramp in my right left underneath the Brandenburg bridge within touching distance of the finish line. I finished the race and a week later headed back to Ireland to be told I had to get a heart scan. After the scan there were some issues. I had an irregular and fast heart beat. The heart rate issue started before the Paris marathon, I had a fast heart rate and the doctor signed me off to go anyway as she said it was only caused by stress. Little did I know it would be the start of a year long recovery session with two heart operations and a lot of upheaval in my life. I am stronger for it and have started back training - slowly! In this past year, I have moved to Germany permanently for a position as an Android Developer bringing along with me my PhD skills. I love the fact that I get to implement some ideas that I have including some that I have brought directly from the PhD. I am delighted to get the world reading and increasing literacy while also improving my skills as an Android Developer in my new role. Go Kobo! I am excited to see what the next year has to offer as I still keep in touch with research and focus on the development side of things. My next project is to improve my German while I am here. Paris - April 2017This was me in April - I did the Paris marathon in a record time of 4 hours 13 minutes and 34 seconds. I had a great weekend and the heat nearly killed me but I made it. It has been quite the adventurous year having completed Paris I went onto go to Japan and Thailand where I climbed a mountain, got my scuba diving licence and saw amazing sights. Japan - April/May 2017Hang gliding over Fuji was incredible. I enjoyed every minute of it. The views were spectacular and after that I went down to Kyoto, Nara, Osaka, Miyajima island, hiroshima, back to Kyoto and onto Tokyo. Japan was truly incredible and then onto Thailand where I went to Bangkok and onto Chiang Mai before going to Koh Tao. It was incredible. I did a scuba diving course and thoroughly enjoyed it where I got a licence and will hopefully get my advanced scuba diving accreditation too. Thailand - May 2017Thailand was an adventure, ziplining, hiking and discovering the food. It was all part of the adventure in Thailand. The heat was incredible and thankfully hiking through the forest to visit the northern Thai tribes was an experience that wasn't riddled with any bug bites. It wasn't until I got from Koh Tao where I learned how to scuba dive for a few days and got back to Bangkok that I got a few bites. They were nasty ones too and took several days for the swelling to subside. Wales - Mont Blanc training - May 2017This was incredible as the ancient victorians used to train here in order to climb other mountains such as Everest. This is where Shackleton trained and also Tom Crean - the famous antarctic explorer from Kerry. Gran Paradiso and Mont Blanc - June 2017Serbia - July 2017Berlin Marathon - September 2017That's standing with the medal after collecting my finisher's t-shirt in the cold, wet, damp conditions for a few hours! :-D
I managed to finish in 4 hours 11 minutes and 47 seconds and even managed to get my certificate to allow me to get the medal engraved. I was happy but at the same time, I was glad to finish. I had cramped after 42km and hopped over the finish line. The last three kilometres took me double that of the others. I persisted and still managed a personal best. I am now hoping to get on better in the next race. I won't be going after a personal best for Dublin which is next month but I'll certainly enjoy running the race at an albeit leisurely pace. December already! I have had a rough year so far with three operations since last December and other health issues rearing its head. I am glad to be finally on the mend. I hope the following year will be a lot more healthful.
On other things, I am starting to settle into the Android development role now and enjoy learning something new daily. I wrote up my performance review recently and have been looking at how much I have progressed since July even with all the interruptions of hospital visits. I now have learnt a lot more about the inner-workings of the app and aosp. Next year I have a few goals that I hope to achieve. Last years goals were as follows:- Android development, B1 German, fix a medium bug and documentation by shadowing a colleague. I have achieved them in terms of the bug, documentation as well as on-going learning of German. I had to reschedule the B1 examination as I had the last operation in November 2018 and it was the same week as it was scheduled. Thankfully I have been learning a lot of German with Memrise, Duolingo and now an evening class two times a week. Next years goals I am looking at a few things in terms of work:- 1) Android development - completion of the nanodegree - paid for course. 2) B1 exam in November - completion of B1 and go to another course for B2 with a view to complete the B2 exam in November 2020. 3) AOSP and kernel development - fixing of a bug or feature development of a task in the AOSP - fixing of bugs specifically in AOSP in terms of gesture-based side of the system. 4) Re-designing of the app with UX and implementation of the MVP architecture - this will clean up the code completely, improve performance, reduce lines of code and make the code more readable. Personal goals include :- 1) A competitive run 2) Climbing a mountain 3) Travel to a country I have never visited before 4) Do a long hike 5) An adventure race at the end of the year As for relationship goals, I'll keep them to myself but yes, I would like to contact friends more - visit them more and keep in contact a lot more. We shall see how 2019 fairs. It is already July 2016 and what a year it has been already. I have completed the PhD/Doctorate, managed to set-up my own company, start my career on the correct path by taking a job in Kobo and complete two marathons since July last year.
I am loving the warm weather right now although it's all about hydration as I 'get my sweat on' as Conor McGregor says! I am looking forward to the next two marathons - Dublin and Paris. I am already on week 3 of training and after the summer have built up some core work having gone to 'Bootcamp Ireland' religiously for the past few weeks leading up to it. I also examined my diet as the nutritional needs vary as you start training more and more while building up mileage. With all my focus turning to training again, I have become obsessed with 'My Fitness Pal', 'Map My Run' and of course, my Garmin Connect calendar which dictates my training schedule. I have always been mixed between developing my Gesture-Based Game, Education, Mathematics and Fitness. I'd love to make something like a game that combines everything together. We have all seen the success of Pokémon Go! There's a lady - Dr Katherine Isbister of New York University, doing exactly that in New York when she developed the game Scoop! for the Kinect, however, it's for children. It's an interesting concept to stand in front of the Kinect and 'scoop' the correct answers - that's certainly one way of getting it done. There aren't any analytics though! From my own personal experience with health, fitness and well-being, I have been let down by healthcare in the past fobbing my 'tummy troubles' off as nothing but in actual fact ulcers can be quite painful and because I was 'healthy' I was told by one doctor that I could get examined up the 'wazoo' but it wouldn't help! Yikes! I've received full body massages, abdominal massages and gone to physio for different things over the years, however, this year I am looking at all of my analysis and pinpointing my progress bit by bit. This analysis has involved mixing-methods (controversial!) as it matters if I didn't feel well. I did the Fingal 10k at the weekend and due to not getting enough sleep, an ulcer causing awful pain throughout and the hot weather I came in at 56 minutes. Not ideal for someone running for a while! Mind over matter didn't help at the start line when I met two lovely women and ended up 2 minutes behind everyone weaving in and out of walkers - I completed the first 1km in 6 minutes 48 seconds and that was running from side to side just to get by all the walkers! So even though I wasn't happy with the overall result of 56 minutes I have to take into account the qualitative facts along the way. These include the ill tummy I started out with, the fact that I had driven from Limerick and was tired, cutting sleep short and getting up at 7am to eat pre-race and above all else the medication I am on makes me extremely tired in the mornings - hence why I'm getting up at 7:30 for the morning run pre-work that way I'm in and awake functioning on all valves! As Dr. McCoy would say 'Well, personally, I find it fascinating that with all their scientific knowledge and advances, that it was good old-fashioned human emotion that they valued the most.' So the long and short of it is - I will take a look at combining my strengths and progressing my career, watch this space! Well that's it then, I've graduated. I didn't think it would ever arrive. The PhD is a long process although I have to admit I am thankful it didn't take me as long as most. I started full-time in 2012 and it reset the clock in terms of what research I was carrying out. I handed it in in 2015 and waited for the last stages of the process to be completed which led me to graduation in June 2016.
Glad I have graduated. I think I was emotionally and physically exhausted there. I am only getting back to my normal self now and it's coming up to a month since then. Well graduation is coming up next month and I am still in disbelief that this is happening and the journey of the PhD is over. I have always had a goal or a particular aim during the PhD like running marathons, getting into conferences and writing papers, however, now I find myself with only one goal. The goal of getting employment and publishing papers. I have one paper already in the pipeline and I've found myself some contracting work in industry, however, this isn't stable. I thought throughout the process that I knew exactly where I wanted to be when I finished but I am left with an uncomfortable feeling of not knowing the direction to take. This can be bewildering and the PhD has also left me with a bitter taste in my mouth regarding academic employment in Ireland.
I spoke with someone recently who had a ' life list' from school and wanted to go through the so called 'life list'. They had written down they wanted to get married, have children, buy a house and on their second list they wanted to travel the world exploring the different cultures, religions and concepts that make us human. The man who wrote this list surprised me as I thought the second list would come ahead of his first list. Needless to say, I once had a 'life list' but now I find my list has become shorter after the PhD. The PhD has made me feel as though my life was on hold especially when colleagues in industry referred to me as a student. Throughout the process I found myself seeing a few of my friends get married, have children, travel the world, emigrate country and come back to Ireland. This was difficult to watch as I had little funds to travel to visit my friends and watched other friends progress through industry while I was taking the time to complete my studies in academia on relatively very low wages. Apart from being Dr. Ali right now, I find myself with a feeling of unease and bewilderment. I am certain this will pass as soon as I set my next career/travel/life goal. For now, I need to befriend these feelings until they pass. For this latest blog post I'm just going to leave this article here. It sums up a lot and is worth the read for anyone interested in Gesture-Based Technology and what's happening right now.
I am delighted that myself and Eilis had the opportunity of applying for the Enterprise Awards in Galway and won funding for our first product. Delighted and looking forward to the new adventure ahead. We also managed to get into the news feed in the School of Education site. :-D We'll update you on our news as soon as we can launch it. Watch this space! The website is available here.
I wrote this post back in 2014 but it gives an insight into the trials and tribulations experienced when working with different hardware. Enjoy!
The initial pilot in May 2012 saw me using the Nintendo WiiMote. My intention for this PhD was to build a low-cost game that used a gesture-based device to interact with mathematical activities in a three-dimensional environment. The trials and tribulations of using a MicroSoft Windows 7 machine saw me buy several different Bluetooth devices and install several different drivers before eventually trying to overcome this incapability by using the PlayStation 3 itself and its own Software Development Kit on the Move.Me via the PlayStation Network. In plain terms, I needed a PlayStation to connect to my laptop where the game was being connected. I tried to use the PlayStation as part of two investigations in schools. This was sufficient to test the feasibility of using such a device. Unfortunately networking issues in the schools (not allowing me to view an IP Address to connect to the game) meant that I couldn't communicate with the game. For those technies out there, it meant that the TCP and UDP packets were not communicating via the PlayStation because of the network. The solution to all of this meant the introduction of a stable computer, an apple MacBook. I've used one previously when testing the game. It worked the first time I used it and the Bluetooth 4.0 technology on apple devices is stable enough that there's no need to install any external devices or connect to other Bluetooth stacks. This also meant that I could connect the MacBook directly to the WiiMote via Bluetooth. In conclusion, after trying several different versions of Bluetooth on Windows before adopting the PlayStation 3 itself, I reverted back to the original solution by connecting a laptop directly to the WiiMote. |
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